In this meditation, we reflect on myself, not from my own insider viewpoint mulling over and dwelling on things.
We attempt to unmask the self-deceptions and pretences, to see myself as I am, not as I wish I was or think I should be, willing to see all the ugliness and negativity — turning my mind inside out to let go of it all.
Everything is Entirely My Fault?
In that context, I was asked to contemplate the idea that Everything is Entirely My Fault.
At first, I found this extreme – surely some things were my responsibility, but everything? entirely?
Still, I like a challenge and I value honest reflection so I decided to explore this with an open mind.
I focussed on relationships — ones where I felt entitled, resentful, and blaming, as well as those where I felt safe from criticism, where I felt I had paid my dues.
It became clear that in every situation I was central. From my self-centred point of view, my expectations were rights and entitlements — I was owed, a victim.
I saw that everything I gave I kept score.
I hoarded my ‘good deeds’ along with my disappointments and my wounded pride, which I had labelled ‘betrayals’
I was the taker, and the taker for granted. It was painful to own that many small & large kindnesses had been lost on me simply because I thought I deserved them. Still, I was letting go of all of it, so it was OK
It struck me that while I had readily taken offence I had not considered the effect of my behaviour on others.
I lived judging others according to my own standards and opinions, policing the world, not recognising that my standards were flimsy, acquired things that had no foundation of Truth.
I judged believing I was right.
Fundamentally, this flawed idea of my own rightness and the narrow view distorted Everything, Entirely.
So much energy was spent constructing, maintaining and projecting a version of myself that was hollow; a false entity; an illusion.
Inside that illusion, I lived believing certain things and people were mine. In there, I claimed my life as ‘my own’ even in the face of the fact that I could not order my own next breath!
That arrogance left no room for genuine gratitude to Life itself from whence comes everything
It is a blessing to be dismantling it through meditation.
Liberating.
I recommend it.
It takes time.
It is a journey to Truth, the only journey that matters.
True purpose of this life!
Helen R. Sydney NSW